Sunday, April 17, 2011

Screw it people! I need to talk!

Yeah, I’m back here talking again because I need to just talk and really don’t know where to do it.  In the past couple of days life got hectic for others around me and I can’t help but feel stressed over it.  I don’t even know where to start.  I guess with my family.  So both my parents have diabetes and high blood pressure.  Now my dad’s is more under control, but my mom has had both longer and it’s out of control and she doesn’t take care of herself, well neither of them do, but she’s worse off.  I’m worried about her big time and don’t want anything bad to happen to her.  And I know life is so crazy that something could happen to her and that thought just scares me.  I can’t imagine my life without my mom in it.  I know one day I will have to face that truth but I would like to think I have a good amount of time before I have to face that horrible moment.  My sister and I have been trying to get her to watch her sugar but it’s not easy when my dad keeps bringing unhealthy crap into the house.  I can’t say I’m innocent of such acts, but I worry more about others than myself.  Yeah, my mom’s the same way.  Sad smile


My dad is a smoker on top of everything else, and he’s been smoking more and coughing more.  We try to tell him he’s killing himself but he refuses to accept that.  Add on to that that he just got over an aggressive cancer he refuses to go check up on and well you can guess how that stresses me out.  I’m planning on going the annoying whining route to get him to make an appointment tomorrow.  I had no idea he still hadn’t had his check-up.  And smoking will make the cancer come back and if it does all they can do for him is try to make him comfortable as it slowly kills him.  Sad smile

My sister is doing fairly ok.  Some wheezing, and we have asthma in the family, so we are worried about that.  No she hasn’t been checked because she doesn’t have insurance either.  But I am going to hint that she needs to be checked out as well, but we are both going to get a physical in the next couple of months soon so hopefully we can find out then.

I have a friend who had some unexplained foot and toe issues where it was hard to walk.  She went to the doctor Friday and found out she has something called “Drop Foot”, and basically a nerve to one of her toes is dying.  They did an MRI to try to find where the nerve is pinched and the couldn’t find it in all the logical spots so they are thinking it’s pinched in her brain.  So she’s got an appointment tomorrow to see a neurologist to see if they can find the pinched nerve and if they do then she has to have brain surgery.  Now not only am I upset because it’s a real close friend, but also because she has 5 kids who she is their whole world since one of them their dad recently passed away and the others their dad is being a deadbeat.  She doesn’t really have family here and is being helped by her oldest daughter’s grandparents.  She has a brother in town but he’s useless and they don’t really get along, her mother isn’t all that great of help either and lives in Chicago, and her dad is great but lives miles away in Hawaii with a wife who doesn’t want him helping her.  She has another brother, but he’s stationed overseas on a boat that was in Japan but they’ve since moved so don’t know where he is now.  So it’s basically just her.  Her husband lives in TN and just has no interest in helping.  I can only help so much because I’m still dealing with my issues, and she understands that but it makes me feel so hopeless and helpless knowing I can’t give at least a little help.  Sad smile

I have another friend who recently lost their job and is trying to find a new one quick so they don’t become homeless and have to live in their car.  I’m so worried about them because they’ve had it hard most of their life and I just wish they could get a break.  They’ve got some leads they are checking out tomorrow so keep your fingers crossed for them that they find a job.

Another friend is dealing with health, job, and personal life issues and I feel sorry for them as well.  I know it’s not easy dealing with a triple issue like that and I hope that some of their issues clear up some so they can start to relax and feel better.

My boyfriend is still stressed over work and being exhausted all the time.  He is on “GO” all the time and only has a break when he’s sleeping and even then it’s not restful.  I’m worried about his health and natural well-being.  I don’t want anything to happen to him.  But of course this stress on him puts stress on him and me as a unit because he’s literally to busy to talk to me except for text messages when he can slip them in and one or two short phone calls a day. I know some would think that’s enough, but it’s not when all you want to do is pull a person closer to you and they are becoming more distant from you.  So for those you who think I am greedy wanting more, “Get off my lawn!!!”  *turns on the garden hose*

Now another friend I have had some good luck happen to them.  They wanted to quit their job and find a better one. Now when they got back into town they didn’t have a good time finding work, finally found a job, quit it for another, but wanted to leave that job and got two job offers that they took.  So now they have two jobs and good money flow and they are doing well, which I am so happy for them.  They needed a break as well after the past year they had.

As for me?  Been overeating because I couldn’t deal with the emotional baggage of  worrying about myself, my family, my friends, etc.  Gained weight because of it and now I can tell my health is suffering a little more now.  It’s amazing what a few pounds can do to your health.  I find it hard to get back on track so I’ve been kicking myself in the ass over being a “non-loser”.  I was hoping to work on bettering myself this month and getting things back on track for myself, and while I got a few things sort of done, nothing much has changed.  I seem to lack that motivation and drive I need to move forward, which sucks because that is so not the person I am.  I like to work hard and I like to be driven, but for some reason I can’t find it in me to do it.  Now I’ve stuck to exercising everyday.  I refuse to let a day go by without doing some miles on my bike.  Granted they vary.  If' I am in a total rebellion mode I’ll only do 5-10 miles, but if I am back on track I’ll do 20.  20 happens more than 5-10 so that’s good.  But the weight is still going up.  I know a lot of it has to do with the salt I’ve been taking in, but it shouldn’t have to much to do with my thyroid now.  I can tell the medicine is working.  Slowly but surely I’m starting to tell.  It said it would take 2-3 months to tell a change and while the first month sucked, this second month is starting to show improvement and I’m starting to feel like myself again.  So I’m positive for what’s to come.  I think they may need to tweak it up a bit more, but I think for the most part I’m on the way to becoming better.  I found out that a lot of people with thyroid issues had panic attacks.  I’m hoping my anxiety will go away or go back to the way it was before.  Fingers crossed.

So other than that, I just feel at a loss of what to do with myself.  There’s a lot to do, but none of it I want to do because I’m just allowing myself to shut down completely.  And I hate being a wiener like that.  I just feel so out of touch with everything and everyone.  Add on to this that my city was hit hard by a tornado yesterday.  I was SOOOOO lucky yesterday.  It hit down just a little way away from my neighborhood.  But instead of heading east it headed north.  My heart goes out to those who lost someone or something in the storm.  Seems my state got hit the worst.  People are missing, tons were hurt, several killed.  In my city there are several people missing, one being a little boy toddler and some kids that are assumed dead.  Sad smile  One person is for sure dead.  Sad smile  It’s when I think of this and listen to the stories coming in now that the dust has settled, it makes me feel ashamed for worrying over the things I am worrying about.  Yesterday we all woke up and watched the wind and rain and just went on with our day, but by the end of the day some of us were calling the local high school gyms home for the night while crying over missing and dead relatives and it just brings things into perspective.  I wish I could say this would change my way of thinking and I wouldn’t be negative again, but I know I’ll be negative again, it’s human nature.  But I do realize that no matter how bad I have it or that my friends and family have it, we are here today.  We are safe.  We have a roof over our heads, food to eat, and a nice warm bed under that roof to sleep in.  Some houses and businesses in town literally do not have a roof today.  One house was taken down to just one wall.  A Lowes in a neighboring city about a 30 minute drive away is gone.  So I am blessed and I am here to fight another day.  Which I plan to do from this moment forward until my dying breath.

Sorry if this got too deep or “preachy” for you.  It’s just what was going through my mind.  You can take it or leave it.  I won’t judge.  So yeah, that’s about it.  Not sure what I’m going to do now.  I still think I need a little time to sort things out here before I come back fully, but just know I’m on the way back.  I am working on some things to show you guys and on the hunt for a photobox or supplies to make one on the cheap so I can hopefully have better quality pictures.  I think my camera is on it’s last leg, which sucks, but I think I have an alternative so hopefully that won’t keep me from posting pictures.  I am still looking into a new layout and I have a post I’ve been meaning to share with you guys that I’ll probably do later on this week.  It’s a little weepy, and since this post is full of the weep I will save it for another day.

Alright, I’m off guys.  I’ll talk to you soon.  Thanks if you read this far.  I’ll be back soon.  Be good until then.  Bye for now.

Loves ya Red heart,

1 comment:

  1. Oh, geez! You poor girl, you're carrying so many people's burdens around-- you're just too sweet for your own good! Sending a bunch of good thoughts your way-- feel free to pass them around!

    Glad to hear your "voice," even if it's not all great news. Take care of yourself, hun!



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