Monday, May 1, 2017


Hello my lovelies, I hope the new week is finding you all in a wonderful way. Sunday has just ended for me, and I found myself, all day, in a thoughtful kind of mood. It was like I'd been living in a dark room or shed and someone just came in and threw back the curtains and opened the window to let some light in. I've debated whether or not to talk about things on my blog, but then I decided, heck, it's my blog, isn't that where you talk about things? So here I am, ready to talk. Feel free to stay and have a read, but I fully understand if you pass this one up for more fun related post down the line, I'll see you then. For those of you staying, get comfy, I have a feeling this one is going to be another long one. 😳

So, before I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was in a super bad place. I was always ill, full of anxiety, depressed, and just couldn't explain any of it. I went from a somewhat normal gal to someone I didn't know and didn't like at all. I hated it. After getting diagnosed, at least I could give my condition a name and research it some. Seems a lot of the stuff I was dealing with did come from my disease, but it seemed that unless it was properly treated the symptoms wouldn't go away, or at least that's how the internet painted it for me. My treatment took over 3 years to get it right, but yet I still suffered with the symptoms I had before being diagnosed. I was truly lost, and it caused me to pull away from people because I didn't want anyone seeing me the way I was, so this also left me mostly alone except for my family and one or two people I let get "past the gate". I was able to "fake it" well enough to get by in life, but I became a serious hermit due to panic attacks and never knowing what would trigger them, a new stomach issue that came out of nowhere, and exhaustion. I tried the best that I could to work towards getting back to who I was or at least as close as I could get, but then along the way, a new issue decided to come play with me. Thyroid cancer. All I could think of after my doctor told me, after having a mini panic attack of course, was "Well...damn,".

I never once resorted to the "why me" way of thinking. I actually would think "well, why not me", I wasn't any different than anyone else in the world. However, it did seem quite cruel that the world just kept seeming to throw curve balls my way, while the "mean girls" that tortured me in high school seemed to doing a-ok. I know, childish way to look at things, but I couldn't help but wonder what I'd done in a former life to get dealt all this bs in life. LOL! I must have kicked someone's dog or something. I mean come on, someone who kicks a dog deserves to have hell in their next life, right? Dogs a freaking awesome! Cats too, but I digress, moving on. 🐢🐱

So dealing with the cancer was a whole new and scary situation. First time having cancer, I won't even pretend that there's no chance I won't get hit with the big C again in my life; because I very well could, and I was faced with the fact that I was about to have my very first surgery, which I worried could be my first and last one. No one ever talks about that on the internet. You look for people's experiences with surgery and they cut out the worry or the scary parts and just jump from "I fell asleep" to "I'm all better now", what about the "I was scared out of my mind part"? Maybe it wouldn't be encouraging to others, but for me, it would have been comforting to know that my thoughts are perfectly normal. Being afraid of being put to sleep and wondering if you will wake up again is normal. Wondering if you can continue to live without a very vital organ is normal as well. I wasn't some childish wimp of an adult, I had perfectly understandable fears and worries, and if you are finding yourself in the same position I found myself in 2015, please know that your thoughts are perfectly normal, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You aren't childish to be afraid, you're human. My boyfriend kept reminding me that bravery wasn't the lack of fear, but continuing on in spite of it.  So yes, it's ok to be afraid, but it's what you do after the fear sets in that matters.

One thing I did read, while trying to learn from others, is the story of a woman who found out she had thyroid cancer. She was too scared to have the surgery, so she decided against it. She had several kids and family, but her fear was so strong that she couldn't follow through with the surgery. Now my doctor told me once that thyroid cancer tends to be a cancer you tend to just grow old with, I guess that it tends not to move out of the area, not really sure on that, but I wouldn't want to take the risk. And she wanted me to have the surgery so I could be disease free, so perhaps it's more of a "growing old with disease" in your older years rather than your below 60 years. So I felt bad for this woman. I fully understood where she was coming from in her thoughts, but she had family. She had kids. She should have had the surgery for them. I hope someone convinced her to go through with it. I hope she is disease free and proud of herself for going through with the surgery. I didn't want the surgery either, and sure, I always had the "choice" not to have it, but I knew I truly didn't have a choice. I didn't want to die young, and I had so much more living I needed to do especially after being sick for most of my young adult life. I also have a sister and when our parents are gone, I am her only family. I can't leave her in this world alone. Sure she's an adult and fully capable of living life on her own, but I didn't want to leave her without family. So, numb and afraid, I went through the motions and had the surgery. Fast forward to today, the surgery was a huge success and I've been considered disease free by my doctor. Yay! Except one problem, I still felt ill. Still do actually.

I've read about people who had the surgery and how their lives just took this HUGE turn and they were able to get back to living. They were so happy the thyroid was gone and life couldn't be better. After reading that, I was so hopeful. But almost 2 years out, I'm still waiting for that miracle moment. Instead of happy times I felt worse, tired all the time, hugely depressed, stomach issue still hanging around that keeps me from being active, and my weight is just...bad. Among other things going on, I found myself in a very bad place again and I couldn't understand why I wasn't better. It wasn't until actions that happened last week, that I will talk about at a later time when I am more confident about it, that I realized that I could still have that happy life I want. It's all still within my grasp. It's just going to take some work from me.

When I tell you that I feel horrible, I mean horrible. Sometimes it causes so much anxiety all I want to do is stay in bed all day to try to calm myself, but this is not getting me anywhere. So last week made me realize, I need to deal with this. I need to push through the depression and anxiety. I need to push through feeling ill and try to get back on the other side of all this so I can try to get my life back. I'm still young, and I can still have the life and family I've always wanted, but time is not standing still, so I need to do something now. In a few short months I will be turning 39 years old. Ahhh! That number! It's like, I don't turn 39, my mom turns 39, not me. I still feel like I'm freaking 18 years old, but here I am pushing 40. LOL! And I have a love-hate relationship with this reality. It's like, I wouldn't want to be in my teens and 20s any more really. It was a depressing time of life. I feel slightly more confident in myself now, though I still need to work on that a lot. I like where I am in life, but I still would like to have a family before, as I affectionately call it, the baby-making factory closes it's doors for good...oh...should I have put a TMI before that? Sorry. 😊 I also would like to get married before that, but we know life has a way of throwing curve balls, and it seems life likes to do that too me. So DO NOT be surprised if I announce one day that I am pregnant, but I'd yet to announce that I was married. Life happens people, either grip on tight and go with the flow, or let it consume you. I did to much of that and truly wanted to give up, I refuse to do that any more.

Today is the first day in a long time that I've had real clarity of what I want in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm still sad and depressed and sick, but I now know that I don't want to stay here in that reality. I want to push through the darkness and get to the other side. I want more windows to be opened in my little shed of a room. I want to see the sunlight shine into my life again. Sure I know the darkness will return again from time to time, or as my dad likes to say (I've had to clean up a word here though.), the sun doesn't shine on the same dog's butt all the time, and he's right. It might seem like others have got nothing but the good life going on and you just can't get a break, but remember that the sun will move and shine on you again soon. Until then, just keep your head held high and going through the motions. Even if you have to do it while numb and afraid, keep going, because the sun will come back, it always does and it always will. It will find a way to get back to you. Just hang in there.

So I had to get this all down and out in the universe because I know the darkness will be back, remember I said I'm still sad and depressed. So I'm not going to fake it and act like I am suddenly healed, I'm just going to say that the sun found me today and reminded me that life is good and even though I am going through a rough patch right now, life will be good again for me, and for you too. I've got so many plans in my head right now that I want to do, none of which I will mention here (or anywhere) right now. One of the rules of successful people is not to tell what you are going to do, because then your brain acts like you've already done it and then you don't work hard towards your goal. Keep it to yourself until you've done it, then tell people about it. So that is what I am going to do from here on out, but I will update as things progress, I promise. 😊 For now, just know that I am in a happy place, and I feel like I'm finally able to work towards becoming a better me. I won't be cheesy and say "this is my year", I'd rather just say this is my life, and I'm going to try my hardest to make it a good one. No matter what has happened in the past, leave it there, and just focus on today and the future. I like to think of the saying that goes along the lines of "Don't look back, you're not going that way," and it's so true. So keep looking forward, that's what I plan to do today and every day after that I'm alive. No matter how many bad days you have in life, the good ones will more than make up for them. Cherish the good ones and try to make more of them happen. I've lost a lot of time in life being sick, but I cherish the good days and stay hopeful for more of them to head my way.

Wow this got all motivational, and initially it didn't start out that way. I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and talk about what had been running around in the brain today, but then I realized, someone could come across this post, and I just wanted to let you all know that you aren't alone. No one has a manual to life, we are all just doing the "fake it until you make it" move, some of us make it quicker than others, but that doesn't mean you'll never make it. Also know it's never too late to do what you want in life. I will say that you may have to alter your way of doing it due to things like health, age, financial situations, etc., but you can still achieve your dreams, so keep working towards them no matter if you are 16 or 60. And I guess this is where I am going to leave this post lovelies. Like I said, I just wanted to talk and just think out loud. Maybe some of you can relate to this post, maybe some of you rolled you eyes several paragraphs back and hit that pretty little "X" button, and maybe some of you got a renewed faith in yourself and in your life. Either way, I truly hope this week will be an awesome one for all of you, and if it's not, remember that this week will end and we can start anew next week, so just keep going. I will talk to you all again in my next post, which will hopefully be a little more fun. 😏 Until then, I hope you all have magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys! ❤🐭

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I Hate My Layout!!!

I hate my blog layout, plain and simple. I don't know what I want for it. I've tinkered with it over the years, but I would like to find or create a layout that I could stick with for years or forever even. Something fun yet simple. I'm tinkering with Blogger's blog templates, but I just don't like them. *sigh* I'll keep at it until I find one. However, this "drama" has caused me to look back on some previous posts, and I found myself remembering things I wanted to try or do or see, and realized I hadn't done any of that. It was nice to be reminded of the person I was and goals I had for myself. I think I just got so sidetracked with my health and life in general that I forgot where I was headed. It's nice to be put back on track. So here's to more interesting posts, returning to previous goals, and moving forward. But first, I've just gotta find a new layout. Ugh! LOL! I'll talk to you guys later. Until then, I hope you all have a magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys! 😁😁

I Think I'm Ready To Forgive Toys R Us

So I don't think I posted about here, or maybe I did, but either early last year or the year before, I made several orders to Toys R Us. I ordered some LittleMissMatched dolls and clothes from the site. The toy line had been discontinued, and I'd learned the clothing would fit a ball-joint doll I'd just purchased, so I needed to hunt around the buy the clothing. Toys R Us had a large amount of the clothing packs that other sites didn't, and I decided to splurge to get them all. When my order came I saw that I got two of one item. Thinking I'd just simply ordered 2 of one item by mistake, I ordered the item again. I got my package and it was again the outfit I'd already had 2 of. So, fed up, I went to Ebay, I felt the price of the outfit was to small to contact Toys R Us and try to get it exchanged. I found the right outfit on Ebay for cheaper than it was on Toys R Us, so I ordered it. When I did some research into the seller, however, I learned it was the Ebay account or Toys R Us. So I nervously waited to get my package, and when I got it, I wasn't surprised what I found inside. I now had 4 of the same outfit. Well I was irritated by then, and called up the customer service department of Toys R Us, and let's just say I hope the woman, who helped me that day, got to go home and sit down to her favorite dinner and have it taste bland and salty and not how she remembered it at all.

She was so utterly rude to me and on the sly tried to call me stupid. I hung up on her when I learned we weren't getting anywhere when I tried to explain to her that the picture for the item was right but the text and item number were wrong. She kept cutting me off and trying to read the description to me like I was a child. I was polite and waited for her to finish, and when I tried to explain myself to her again she again tried to, on the sly, call me stupid. I got tired of being explained to how I was stupid, so I hung up on her. I usually don't hang up on people, because I don't like people hanging up on me, but she so deserved it. So there I was, left with 4 of the same outfit, and still missing the one I needed. I think I finally got the right outfit from Ebay and I made sure to ask the seller what it looked like before I purchased. I also gave two of the outfits to my mom and sister, and the extra one I kept was used as separates for dolls. So it all turned out in the end, but you can imagine the experience left me with a nasty taste in my mouth when it came to Toys R Us.

So the following year when they had an exclusive 17 Monster High doll, I was not happy. Why? Because I wanted her so badly. I had all the other 17 inch girls, so I had to have this one. So I sucked it up and ordered her. The order turned out fine. I was relieved and decided that was the only time I would order from them, but then...Christmas came...they had good sales on things I wanted...I made several orders within one month to them. Each order came to me perfectly, but I'll be honest, when the box came to my door I was always nervous to open it. I always expected it to be wrong, but thankfully they were fine. I was shocked by that, especially during the chaos of Christmas shopping time. Well after that I decided, no more. I got lucky, but let me not push my luck. I was fine with that choice, until I was told about another good sale on some items I wanted this past month. Ughhhh!!! I had to order them.

I was fine when I ordered, because of the recent success I'd had with them. I didn't feel nervous ordering at all. I waited for the box to get here, and when it did, that old forgotten fear came back. What if they had messed up my order again. Slowly I opened the package and was happy to see it was all perfect. Then this past week, another good freaking sale caused me to order again. I got the package today, and the nervous feeling was back, but it wasn't as strong as it was the previous times. I think I had more belief in Toys R Us now. Still, I slowly opened the package preparing myself, but in the end I had nothing to fear. The items were all there and I was a happy camper. The boxes were even in good condition, if I wanted to keep them in their boxes I'd be happy about that.

The only complaint I've had recently about them is one of my earlier orders this month had a bad box that was scratch up, a huge sticker residue that I could get off with peanut butter, and black mushy stuff on the box and inside that box that I worry was rodent droppings. I cleaned the box up as best I could, it's not perfect, but I plan to remove the item, so I am ok with a less than perfect box, but I feel more care should have been taken with the box and what the hell was that black mushy stuff? Ugh. But I got my stuff, and that's the important thing. So I think it's time to forgive and move on.

Everyone has a one off, and it was honestly the webmaster's fault, and not Toys R Us, for my order being wrong the first time I ordered. I guess they "technically" got the order right because they sent me the item that the sku number was listed as, but human error caused me to get the wrong package. I'm sure there are more items like that on their website, but their website is huge, so that's also to be expected. So I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the butt later on, but I will no longer say I won't order from the site. My trust has been rebuilt, and I feel I can shop with confidence from them. I hope that since my last customer service experience that they've worked on that some, because that lady was a royal pain in the ass. But who knows, maybe she had a bad day that day, it was near the end of the day too when I called, and she might have just been exhausted. I hope she's being nicer to stressed out customers and has stopped trying to hint that they may just be stupid. That part is what shocked and insulted me the most, especially when I knew what I was talking about and she couldn't catch on to what I was saying because she was so focused on proving me wrong. But, meh, live and let live.

And that's about all I wanted to post about today guys and gals. I guess when I realized I still had that fear of opening a package from this company, I had a mental talk to myself and realized I needed to let it go and move on. I kept saying I wouldn't buy from them any more and yet I did, so I guess I needed to talk it out and put it out into the universe that I forgive and I ready and willing to shop with them. Especially if they have more awesome sales like they have been having. πŸ˜€ And on that note, I hope all of you are having a wonderful day, afternoon, or evening. I am hoping to start popping back in here more often soon, but I am still working out what I want to do with this blog and how I want to incorporate it into other stuff I am trying to do. Stay tuned to see how that goes. Until next time guys, I hope you all have a magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys! 😁

Friday, January 27, 2017

*Walks In And Dusts Off The Furniture*

Hey all. Wow, it's been a long time since I've been here. I've been going through a process of trying to figure out what I want to do with my online presence as well as where I want to be. I've kept this blog alive because it's my baby and I've always planned on coming back. It never really took off the way I wanted it too, but as I start to get more settled in where I am going in my hobbies and what I want to do in life, I felt I could finally return to the blog and try again to make something of it.

So for those of you who didn't know, I was hanging out over at Tumblr for the longest time, but no matter how much I liked it, it just never sat well with me. It just wasn't what I was accustomed to, which is this kind of blog layout. So, I've decided to use Tumblr as more of a social media and less of an actual blog. I'll x-post over there, have it post to Twitter, and keep the bulk of my stuff here...until I get a website with it's own blog, then I will just have this direct you guys to the new blog, but that won't happen for a while so don't worry.πŸ˜ƒ

I'm also getting into making Youtube videos. I want my channel to be a hobby and lifestyle channel, so it has a bit of everything there. It's early days, so don't expect much there. I want to do gaming, toys, dolls, arts and crafts, vlogs, etc. there. I am working on a schedule for that. So since my channel is more of a collection of all my hobbies, I kind of want to change the blog into that too. Not just dolls but all about me. I think that's why I kind of pulled away from the blog. I didn't really know how to work more hobbies into the blog without boring readers. Finally I just decided to blog for myself and let others decide what they do and do not want to look at. So yes, there will still be dolls, but you can expect a lot more from me here. :-)

And that's about it guys and gals. I'm going to work on getting organized in the next month so I can really start bringing you interesting stuff here. I've missed blogging here. I hope you are all well and I hope you will come back and visit again real soon. *hugs*🐭