So, before I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was in a super bad place. I was always ill, full of anxiety, depressed, and just couldn't explain any of it. I went from a somewhat normal gal to someone I didn't know and didn't like at all. I hated it. After getting diagnosed, at least I could give my condition a name and research it some. Seems a lot of the stuff I was dealing with did come from my disease, but it seemed that unless it was properly treated the symptoms wouldn't go away, or at least that's how the internet painted it for me. My treatment took over 3 years to get it right, but yet I still suffered with the symptoms I had before being diagnosed. I was truly lost, and it caused me to pull away from people because I didn't want anyone seeing me the way I was, so this also left me mostly alone except for my family and one or two people I let get "past the gate". I was able to "fake it" well enough to get by in life, but I became a serious hermit due to panic attacks and never knowing what would trigger them, a new stomach issue that came out of nowhere, and exhaustion. I tried the best that I could to work towards getting back to who I was or at least as close as I could get, but then along the way, a new issue decided to come play with me. Thyroid cancer. All I could think of after my doctor told me, after having a mini panic attack of course, was "Well...damn,".
I never once resorted to the "why me" way of thinking. I actually would think "well, why not me", I wasn't any different than anyone else in the world. However, it did seem quite cruel that the world just kept seeming to throw curve balls my way, while the "mean girls" that tortured me in high school seemed to doing a-ok. I know, childish way to look at things, but I couldn't help but wonder what I'd done in a former life to get dealt all this bs in life. LOL! I must have kicked someone's dog or something. I mean come on, someone who kicks a dog deserves to have hell in their next life, right? Dogs a freaking awesome! Cats too, but I digress, moving on. 🐶🐱
So dealing with the cancer was a whole new and scary situation. First time having cancer, I won't even pretend that there's no chance I won't get hit with the big C again in my life; because I very well could, and I was faced with the fact that I was about to have my very first surgery, which I worried could be my first and last one. No one ever talks about that on the internet. You look for people's experiences with surgery and they cut out the worry or the scary parts and just jump from "I fell asleep" to "I'm all better now", what about the "I was scared out of my mind part"? Maybe it wouldn't be encouraging to others, but for me, it would have been comforting to know that my thoughts are perfectly normal. Being afraid of being put to sleep and wondering if you will wake up again is normal. Wondering if you can continue to live without a very vital organ is normal as well. I wasn't some childish wimp of an adult, I had perfectly understandable fears and worries, and if you are finding yourself in the same position I found myself in 2015, please know that your thoughts are perfectly normal, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You aren't childish to be afraid, you're human. My boyfriend kept reminding me that bravery wasn't the lack of fear, but continuing on in spite of it. So yes, it's ok to be afraid, but it's what you do after the fear sets in that matters.
One thing I did read, while trying to learn from others, is the story of a woman who found out she had thyroid cancer. She was too scared to have the surgery, so she decided against it. She had several kids and family, but her fear was so strong that she couldn't follow through with the surgery. Now my doctor told me once that thyroid cancer tends to be a cancer you tend to just grow old with, I guess that it tends not to move out of the area, not really sure on that, but I wouldn't want to take the risk. And she wanted me to have the surgery so I could be disease free, so perhaps it's more of a "growing old with disease" in your older years rather than your below 60 years. So I felt bad for this woman. I fully understood where she was coming from in her thoughts, but she had family. She had kids. She should have had the surgery for them. I hope someone convinced her to go through with it. I hope she is disease free and proud of herself for going through with the surgery. I didn't want the surgery either, and sure, I always had the "choice" not to have it, but I knew I truly didn't have a choice. I didn't want to die young, and I had so much more living I needed to do especially after being sick for most of my young adult life. I also have a sister and when our parents are gone, I am her only family. I can't leave her in this world alone. Sure she's an adult and fully capable of living life on her own, but I didn't want to leave her without family. So, numb and afraid, I went through the motions and had the surgery. Fast forward to today, the surgery was a huge success and I've been considered disease free by my doctor. Yay! Except one problem, I still felt ill. Still do actually.
I've read about people who had the surgery and how their lives just took this HUGE turn and they were able to get back to living. They were so happy the thyroid was gone and life couldn't be better. After reading that, I was so hopeful. But almost 2 years out, I'm still waiting for that miracle moment. Instead of happy times I felt worse, tired all the time, hugely depressed, stomach issue still hanging around that keeps me from being active, and my weight is just...bad. Among other things going on, I found myself in a very bad place again and I couldn't understand why I wasn't better. It wasn't until actions that happened last week, that I will talk about at a later time when I am more confident about it, that I realized that I could still have that happy life I want. It's all still within my grasp. It's just going to take some work from me.
When I tell you that I feel horrible, I mean horrible. Sometimes it causes so much anxiety all I want to do is stay in bed all day to try to calm myself, but this is not getting me anywhere. So last week made me realize, I need to deal with this. I need to push through the depression and anxiety. I need to push through feeling ill and try to get back on the other side of all this so I can try to get my life back. I'm still young, and I can still have the life and family I've always wanted, but time is not standing still, so I need to do something now. In a few short months I will be turning 39 years old. Ahhh! That number! It's like, I don't turn 39, my mom turns 39, not me. I still feel like I'm freaking 18 years old, but here I am pushing 40. LOL! And I have a love-hate relationship with this reality. It's like, I wouldn't want to be in my teens and 20s any more really. It was a depressing time of life. I feel slightly more confident in myself now, though I still need to work on that a lot. I like where I am in life, but I still would like to have a family before, as I affectionately call it, the baby-making factory closes it's doors for good...oh...should I have put a TMI before that? Sorry. 😊 I also would like to get married before that, but we know life has a way of throwing curve balls, and it seems life likes to do that too me. So DO NOT be surprised if I announce one day that I am pregnant, but I'd yet to announce that I was married. Life happens people, either grip on tight and go with the flow, or let it consume you. I did to much of that and truly wanted to give up, I refuse to do that any more.
Today is the first day in a long time that I've had real clarity of what I want in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm still sad and depressed and sick, but I now know that I don't want to stay here in that reality. I want to push through the darkness and get to the other side. I want more windows to be opened in my little shed of a room. I want to see the sunlight shine into my life again. Sure I know the darkness will return again from time to time, or as my dad likes to say (I've had to clean up a word here though.), the sun doesn't shine on the same dog's butt all the time, and he's right. It might seem like others have got nothing but the good life going on and you just can't get a break, but remember that the sun will move and shine on you again soon. Until then, just keep your head held high and going through the motions. Even if you have to do it while numb and afraid, keep going, because the sun will come back, it always does and it always will. It will find a way to get back to you. Just hang in there.
So I had to get this all down and out in the universe because I know the darkness will be back, remember I said I'm still sad and depressed. So I'm not going to fake it and act like I am suddenly healed, I'm just going to say that the sun found me today and reminded me that life is good and even though I am going through a rough patch right now, life will be good again for me, and for you too. I've got so many plans in my head right now that I want to do, none of which I will mention here (or anywhere) right now. One of the rules of successful people is not to tell what you are going to do, because then your brain acts like you've already done it and then you don't work hard towards your goal. Keep it to yourself until you've done it, then tell people about it. So that is what I am going to do from here on out, but I will update as things progress, I promise. 😊 For now, just know that I am in a happy place, and I feel like I'm finally able to work towards becoming a better me. I won't be cheesy and say "this is my year", I'd rather just say this is my life, and I'm going to try my hardest to make it a good one. No matter what has happened in the past, leave it there, and just focus on today and the future. I like to think of the saying that goes along the lines of "Don't look back, you're not going that way," and it's so true. So keep looking forward, that's what I plan to do today and every day after that I'm alive. No matter how many bad days you have in life, the good ones will more than make up for them. Cherish the good ones and try to make more of them happen. I've lost a lot of time in life being sick, but I cherish the good days and stay hopeful for more of them to head my way.
Wow this got all motivational, and initially it didn't start out that way. I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and talk about what had been running around in the brain today, but then I realized, someone could come across this post, and I just wanted to let you all know that you aren't alone. No one has a manual to life, we are all just doing the "fake it until you make it" move, some of us make it quicker than others, but that doesn't mean you'll never make it. Also know it's never too late to do what you want in life. I will say that you may have to alter your way of doing it due to things like health, age, financial situations, etc., but you can still achieve your dreams, so keep working towards them no matter if you are 16 or 60. And I guess this is where I am going to leave this post lovelies. Like I said, I just wanted to talk and just think out loud. Maybe some of you can relate to this post, maybe some of you rolled you eyes several paragraphs back and hit that pretty little "X" button, and maybe some of you got a renewed faith in yourself and in your life. Either way, I truly hope this week will be an awesome one for all of you, and if it's not, remember that this week will end and we can start anew next week, so just keep going. I will talk to you all again in my next post, which will hopefully be a little more fun. 😏 Until then, I hope you all have magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys! ❤🐭
