Happy Birthday To Me...kind of...

So today marks another year around the Sun for me. I'm a little bit older and hopefully wiser. This birthday, however, was a real hard one for me. My mom hasn't even been gone a month yet. In fact it hasn't even been a month yet since I got my last text message from her. So things are still so freaking fresh for me, and I spent a huge amount of the day crying. Sobbing sometimes. The person who gave me this day to celebrate is no longer here and it is so freaking hard on me.

I was up most of the night crying, unable to sleep. Thinking back on things about my mom's passing and what could have been done differently. What could I have done differently? Was this completely out of my control? I'd get distracted by a phone call or talking to my husband or watching a video, and then I'd have a moment of silence and I was right back there wondering, growing angry, missing my mom, and feeling so hurt and lost. Eventually my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some meds, a few gifts for me, and a cake and some ice cream. We went to my parents house and I spent my birthday with the hubs, my sister, and my dad. My sister sang Happy Birthday to me while I cried. LOL! I tell you, I was a mess today. After a while my husband took me to two bookstores we love and I grabbed a few discounted crochet kits to try. I'm super excited about them. In fact I need to show you all the things I got for my birthday. I was spoiled, and I appreciate it so much. It helped distract me some from the pain of having my first birthday without my mom. After the bookstores we came home, I heated up dinner, and here I am typing away. It was a bittersweet day. I am glad to have this one of many 1sts over with. I think this one will be one of the harder ones to deal with, but the holidays are coming up, so stay tuned for that.

So, I don't know what I truly believe, as my spiritual journey is ongoing, but I truly feel my mom sent me some subtle messages that she was here and she missed me and loved me. It helped me deal with the day a little bit better because we've been doing so much "finalizing" lately that its been hitting me hard mentally. Canceling appointments for her, changing her from my emergency contact, taking her name off my parents bank account and putting my name on it instead. Just a bunch of stuff that doesn't feel right to me, but it has to be done. So that is what I've been dealing with lately. That and freaking trying to crochet that dang donut!!!

This sucker is still taunting me!!! I've got the two halves done, but sewing them together is tricky. If you follow the instructions it doesn't work out right. Also his safety eyes are anything but. They keep coming apart! I might have to try melting them but I am a bit afraid of doing that, but I want them to stay in his freaking head, so I may need to try that. I first need to get his center sewn together. It seems, after some research, that I picked a horrible kit to be my return to crochet. The Dollar Tree kits are notorious for being horrible for beginners. Since I am returning to crochet, I consider myself a beginner again and omg it so horrible!!! I'm going to keep at him though. In a bit I will crawl into bed and try to crochet the center again. If I get that done I will pause until tomorrow so I can melt the eyes in the kitchen over the sink. LOL! Then I will continue sewing him together. I hope to have something to show from this kit soon. I'm ready to move on to other kits dang it! So stay tuned for that also.

That's about all I have for you lovelies today. I'm exhausted, dehydrated from all the crying I've done today, and I am just ready to call it for the day. I have another early day tomorrow so, I need to hit the hay early. I hope you all had a great Saturday today. I hope it was fun, and if you too celebrated a birthday today, I wish you the Happiest of Birthdays!!! I will talk to you all in the next post. Until then, as always, I hope you all have a magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys!!!

Chicken and Dumplings and Things (Or how my weekend went.)

 

How was your weekend? I hope you all had a great one filled with family and friends and great food and adventures. Mine was a slightly busy one. I went over to my parents house to help sort the garage a bit because some friends were coming into town to buy one of mom's mowers off of us. Yes, I said mowers. My mom had several of them because when one would "stop working" she'd get another one. She took them in from time to time to get fixed by family friends who ran a small engine repair, but she had several in case one stopped working. We secretly believe she had undiagnosed ADHD. I'm like 99.99% sure she did, especially since it seems I have it. It was hard letting the mower go, especially since I believe it was one of my mom's favorites that she used to mow the lawn. It went to good people, and that brings me comfort. We have several more to sell, and that will help clean up the garage some. We have some other things we will need to sell as well, but slow and steady. My sister and I don't want to get rid of things too quickly because it almost feels like we are trying to erase her. Clearly we know that's not the deal, it just feels like that a little. However, we do need to keep a steady pace and cleaning things up because I need to get moved in for several reasons. So, as hard as it is, we have to keep trying to get things out of the house. We'll get there. It's just hard. 

I have a therapy appointment this evening. I've invited my sister to come with me. I think it would be good for her to hear what my therapist has to say. I want to try to encourage my sister to get a therapist. Maybe we can try to get therapy at the same place on the same day and time and have out mental health days "together". For now I will just see how she likes it and I hope she walks away from therapy feeling a bit better today.

On Sunday the husbae and I headed back over so he could finish mowing the front yard, and I could help my sister clean the house a bit and we had dinner. My dad loves making chicken and dumplings in the slow cooker, if you couldn't tell by how beat up the cookbook is. He's done it for years now. The last time he did it, however, he put okra in it. For those of you who don't know, when you cook okra it gets this slime to it. Now in other meals where you can't see the slime I am fine with okra, but in chicken and dumplings you can't avoid it. It just turned my stomach and I couldn't look at it while eating it. I only ate the dumplings and chicken out of it and left the rest. I told my mom I didn't like it and why I wasn't eating it. This thought came back to me yesterday before I went over to the house. That was the last meal I had with my mom. I was staying the night, I believe, and I was having dinner with them. I can't remember if that is the last time I saw her before the stroke. I want to say I saw her one more time after, but with the way my memory is, I honestly can't remember. I was worried I would break down over dinner, but I didn't. I served my husband and dad, sis got her own plate while I took dad's down to him, and then I served myself. I sat down with my husband and sister and we just chatted and ate and things were ok. I was in my mom's kitchen, surrounded by her things, and things were ok. It gave me some hope for the future and made me feel like she was there in spirit and letting us know we will be ok. Funny how a family meal can do that.

So, onto crafty news, remember this guy? Yeah, so I started working on him on Friday. You start with the plain donut part, or the bottom of him. He works up that you make the bottom part, then the top part and then you sew the two pieces together, stuff him, and then close him up, and then bam you have a donut. Well, while I was crocheting the bottom part, I was noticing that it was getting wavy. By the time I finished crocheting the piece it looked almost how a scrunchie looks, really wavy and tight. I knew I had done something wrong. I read and reread the instructions. I was pretty decent at reading crochet instructions back in the day, and I thought I was following it right, but I think I realized my mistake. I think the instructions were explaining to me to do one stitch in one stitch then another stitch in the next stitch, and continue that all the way around. I thought it was telling me to do both stitches in each stitch around, but after doing some Googling, I think I figured out that is wrong. So I am going to attempt him again tonight when I get home from therapy, I'll probably need a nice cool down activity to do, and we'll see if I am right. Also, omg this yarn is DISGUSTING!!! It's so freaking fuzzy and it has this weird "binding" yarn that wraps around the yarn as you crochet. This took me forever to frog. I had to take a needle and gently pry threads apart so the yarn would come loose. I also tried to undo from the beginning of the chain and work that way, which was going good until I got to a point where the yarn was splitting between stitches somehow and I needed to stop. Now that in itself was a mystery because once I finally got it all frogged from the other end, that split yarn was nowhere to be found. The yarn was all back together again. What?!? This little guy is becoming an interesting challenge. I found out on Youtube that the company that makes him also makes these kits for other dollar stores. I saw a content creator on Youtube do a haul for another dollar store and she found other kits. The kits look similar, but I knew for sure it was the same one once I saw the instructions and the yarn. So if you are on the lookout for cheap amigurumi kits to try, try looking at any dollar stores in your area, you may find some there. I will totally grab another one of these kits if I come across one, but I am looking forward to seeing if they are worth it in the end. I will update you all soon on the final results. Oh and for those wondering, yes I am using the hook from the kit, and honestly, so far so good. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. I'll honestly be delighted if the whole kit works perfectly fine as is. Oh, there is one thing this kit forgot and I am super surprised by it. Stitch markers. They expect you to have one, but they didn't put one in the kit. I had to grab one from another kit I have here. I mean they could have popped two or even just one plastic stitch marker into the kit. Granted you can use a piece of yarn if you don't have a stitch marker, but I never liked doing that. I prefer to have something firmly gripping my stitch just in case, but a piece of yarn will work in a pinch if you find yourself without stitch markers. So if the creators of the kit ever find their way to my post, stitch markers, pop one or two in and your kit will be complete.

Now onto the final topic for this post, I've been on the hunt for doll blogs, and I am happy to say they are still out there. I'm slowly building a folder in my favorites of dolls blogs that I am finding that have been active as of this year. I might also save some that were active in December of last year as that still seems "active" to me. I plan to make a spreadsheet of the blogs, what dolls they talk about, and how active they are. Once I get a good amount of them, I'll be sharing it here with you. Like I said in my previous post, I'm not big on Tumblr blogs, so odds are they won't show up in the list. I prefer blogs that are completely about the blogger and their own original posts. Tumblr is a lot of reblogging from other blogs, and while that is cool, I feel I don't get a feel for the blog author as much. Who knows, maybe this will encourage more blog reading and encourage those blogging to keep going and maybe some who stopped blogging to come back. Hey, a girl can dream. However, to be fair, I will take a look around Tumblr just to make sure I'm not missing out on blogs that the author just posts about themselves and doesn't reblog. I don't want to miss out on gems that could be out there. I shall keep you updated. I'm also going to work on finding doll communities and make some lists for those as well. I miss my people, so may the hunt begin to find them again. 😊

And that's it for this post. Just a quick update about my weekend and what I got up to. I am hoping to get to some cool crafty things this week. I also have to do some adulting, which is never fun, but we must do what we must do. I just hope I get to some fun things too like dolls, crafting, gaming, etc. I of course will update you here on what I get up to. I hope all of you are starting your week off on a great foot and you have oodles of fun stuff ahead of you this week. If you don't have anything fun to look forward to yet this week, take today to plan for something fun, be it some reading time, going out with friends, shopping for a new collection item or hobby, or just going out and having your favorite meal. You'll have to come back and let me know what you decided to do at the end of the week. Sending the vibes out to all of you that we all end the week happy and healthy. For now I will let you go and get back to your life, thank you for taking a moment out of your day to stop by and visit me. I loved having you and look forward to seeing you next time. Until then, as always, I hope you all have magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys!!! 

I don't know what I am doing, but I am here.

    Hey there. Long time no see. Well, like the title says, I don't know what I am doing, but I am here. So I've been wanting to come back and blog for literally years now, I've got the drafts to prove it, but for some reason I just could never do it. It seems so many people I used to follow in the blogging world have either moved on from blogging to other social media sites, have changed to Tumblr as their main blog which I am not the biggest fan of reading, or just faded away back into life. There is truly a huge hole in my blog loving heart that misses everyone, but I know times change, people change, interests change, and so goes the world. Even I have changed my focus as well. Usually I would just start a new blog when that happened, but I've decided to dust off this one and invite anyone who is interested to join me on whatever journey I may take here. So it is the first day of my birth month and I am hoping for this month to be one of peace and clarity. So trigger warning, the next part of this paragraph is going to be about the death of a loved one, if you would rather not read that, please skip to the next paragraph. So July was probably one of the hardest months for me. My mom had a stroke, and the doctors felt she wouldn't get better, so they sent her to hospice. In hospice it looked like she was getting better and may graduate from hospice and go to rehab. However that wasn't the case. She was great one day then took a turn the next. We were all still hopeful, but hours after she took a turn she was gone. Such a big presence in my life just gone like the wind. It was and still is something hard for me to come to grips with. We buried her on the 30th of July, then on the 31st I had to go to an appointment that was suppose to be a joint appointment with my mom, and they asked if she was still my emergency contact and I had to tell them she passed and changed my emergency contact to my husband. I know ultimately I should have my husband as my emergency contact, but I felt it would be easier to contact my mom in an emergency and she'd been my contact for decades so I just got lazy and didn't change it. Now over the coming months I will have to slowly change all that. One of the things I've dreaded most in life is the death of my mom, and it has happened and I'm kind of lost right now. I know life has to continue. I know I have to keep moving forward. There were plans that were being put into motion at the exact time she had her stroke. My sister was going to move in with me and my husband. My husband took vacation so we could help her move in. Instead of moving my sis in during his vacation we spent the week seeing my mom and hoping she'd get better to setting up her funeral. Also, now instead of my sis moving in with us, we are moving in with her and my dad. Literally in the blink of an eye my life has changed and for the next couple of months I will be trying to figure out where I go from here. So that was my July. I truly hope all of you reading this had a much better July. I truly mean that from the bottom of my soul. If you didn't, and even worse, if you experienced a similar situation as mine, I am so truly sorry and I encourage you to join me in focusing on making August a refresher and a time of bringing back that special spark into life. We've got this!

  So now we have a fresh new month. I want to look at each month with new eyes. I want to try to see the potential of each month and what awesome things it can bring me. This month will be a mixture of highs and lows, but I want to try to take advantage of every day as best I can. I want to return to hobbies that I have pushed pause on for so long. I want to explore some new hobbies that I tend to learn for the benefit of older hobbies. For example I learned crochet because I wanted to make crochet dolls and toys and be able to crochet clothes for my dolls. I also want to try knitting again. I think I need to refresh myself with crochet first and then attempt knitting.

    I have always loved that with crochet all you ever deal with is one loop. Knitting is a bit overwhelming because of all the loops you have to deal with and they need to be going the right way and etc., but I will attempt it again and soon. So for right now I want to focus on the MANY crochet kits I have bought over the years and create the items from them. I think my first one will be a donut amigurumi kit I bought from Dollar Tree, the little guy you see here. I am going to attempt to use the supplies that come with the kit, though everything seems really flimsy, but I want to know if its possible. Fingers crossed. 

    I'm also attempting to get back into diamond painting. I keep buying diamond paintings that I would love to see all done, but I haven't been actively working on them. I am trying to put a pause on buying, which has been working for the most part but I had a chance to get a deal on some recently so I snagged them, but for the most part I want to work on what I have. I'm ALMOST embarrassed to say I have a plastic tub of diamond paintings I have to do. I say almost because I kind of felt like I wasn't really "in" the hobby because I only owned like three of them at one time. Now that count is probably over 100 and they are all ones I want to do, I just need to sit down and get to work. I was re-inspired to do them back around mother's day to make two for my mom and mom-in-law for Christmas. I thought get them early and work on them for Christmas. I got two of them and needed to finish one more for my mom, and I was like should I give them early. I wish I had now. But because of certain events, it caused me to pause on diamond painting. I still have those and several other that I have to seal and looking at them causes me some guilt. I had no idea what would unfold, so I am trying to push through and past the guilt and try to find a way to enjoy diamond painting again.

    I returned to one that was up on "the slab" for a while now. It honestly should have been a quick one to whip up because it has a TON of color blocking, but depression is a bitch and lumped onto everything else, it just sat there. Yesterday I decided to sit down with it again and it took a while for me to get a flow but now I am excited to finish it again. Its a painting I was so excited to buy and couldn't wait to see it all put together. I am still excited for that.

    I also have some coasters I am working on as well. I won't be actually using them as coasters because the sealant I use is water-based and I kind of want to keep all my diamond paintings in one place that I can pull them out and look at from time to time. I have an under the bed storage thingie that I put them in currently. Its made of fabric, I'd like to get a plastic one some day maybe, but I feel the fabric one allows them to breathe and not get sweaty so maybe I will just kept them in that one laying flat. Yeah, I'll probably do that instead honestly. That is my current diamond painting journey right now. I will do a post soon showing off all the ones I have done so far and maybe talk about about my process, explain what "the slab" is, and talk about future diamond painting plans. 

    Now, a lot of you probably came to my blog once upon a time for dolls. Well I'm happy to tell you the dolls are still here. I have continued to follow dolls I love and every now and again I've bought some dolls to tinker with. I am trying to decide where I want to take my doll hobby. I used to be into photostories, but I think that time has passed for me. I'm not 100% sure but I honestly do think it has passed for me. I still have all the props and whatnot and I will probably be putting those up for sale for other doll hobbyist to enjoy. Keep following this space to find out if or when I do it. I know some stuff has to go, and I will just keep what I truly love. I also have a TON of stuff to unbox that I was going to do for a doll and toy unboxing Youtube channel years ago. Life hit me hard and it never really took off because of that. I still have the stuff I wanted to unbox and still want unbox the items. They are older items so people may not be interested in seeing unboxings of these items, but that is ok. I mostly want to do it for my enjoyment, and I welcome anyone who wants to come join the fun with me. I'm also trying to decide what dolls I want to collect. I realize that I would prefer more of a focus on dolls rather than having a wide variety of dolls in my collection. I'm leaning very heavily towards Blythe dolls, Asian bjds, custom made dolls, and even making my own 3d printed dolls. I will still pick up dolls from other lines that speak to me from time to time, but I really want to focus more on who I get. I feel it makes it easier to dress and share items among dolls, and it allows me to get into a community focused on those dolls. Its hard to find communities that cover a variety of dolls nowadays. I could be wrong, and I am going to do some research and start making lists of communities I find. When I get a decent list going I will share it here for you all to enjoy and use. I am really excited to jump back into the doll world. I have truly missed you guys and your dolls so much. 

    So what else do I have planned for this space? I'd like to share more of me in general. Maybe some recipes I've tried or love to cook. Maybe some news I'm excited about. Maybe keep you up to date on my current attempt to 100% Stardew Valley, yes that is currently in the works. My thoughts on books I've read or movies I've seen. Or maybe I simply want to share a sunset with you all to help you end your day on a high note. I've got so many plans, I've got a sticker business I've started with my sister I want to share with you as well as a business I will be starting that will be a sister business to the one I've started with my sister. Just so much I want to do and share and I'm excited for it. I would love to have you all here along the ride with me. Be sure to bookmark the blog and follow along with me and whatever chaos will come. 

    Thank you for reading my return to blogging post. This was literally a long time coming. I still have so much to update you guys on. Like it just hit me, that last time I posted here I was single, and I mentioned my husband earlier in the post. Yeah, I'm a Mrs. now! We got married on Halloween in 2019. We had a church wedding in jail. What?!? I know, that doesn't make sense. Damn, I should have brought this all up in the next post. This one is a long one already. I hate being that person, but yeah, I will update you on that in the next post. Promise! Until the next post, I want to thank you all again for reading. If you are a returning reader, welcome back! If you are a new reader, welcome to my world! It feels good to be back. I leave you all with a beautiful fluffy cloudy sky to calm your day. I will see you all next time. Until then, as always, I hope you all have a magical, wonderful, splendiferous day! Bye guys!!!

Thoughtful...

Hello my lovelies, I hope the new week is finding you all in a wonderful way. Sunday has just ended for me, and I found myself, all day, in a thoughtful kind of mood. It was like I'd been living in a dark room or shed and someone just came in and threw back the curtains and opened the window to let some light in. I've debated whether or not to talk about things on my blog, but then I decided, heck, it's my blog, isn't that where you talk about things? So here I am, ready to talk. Feel free to stay and have a read, but I fully understand if you pass this one up for more fun related post down the line, I'll see you then. For those of you staying, get comfy, I have a feeling this one is going to be another long one. 😳

So, before I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I was in a super bad place. I was always ill, full of anxiety, depressed, and just couldn't explain any of it. I went from a somewhat normal gal to someone I didn't know and didn't like at all. I hated it. After getting diagnosed, at least I could give my condition a name and research it some. Seems a lot of the stuff I was dealing with did come from my disease, but it seemed that unless it was properly treated the symptoms wouldn't go away, or at least that's how the internet painted it for me. My treatment took over 3 years to get it right, but yet I still suffered with the symptoms I had before being diagnosed. I was truly lost, and it caused me to pull away from people because I didn't want anyone seeing me the way I was, so this also left me mostly alone except for my family and one or two people I let get "past the gate". I was able to "fake it" well enough to get by in life, but I became a serious hermit due to panic attacks and never knowing what would trigger them, a new stomach issue that came out of nowhere, and exhaustion. I tried the best that I could to work towards getting back to who I was or at least as close as I could get, but then along the way, a new issue decided to come play with me. Thyroid cancer. All I could think of after my doctor told me, after having a mini panic attack of course, was "Well...damn,".

I never once resorted to the "why me" way of thinking. I actually would think "well, why not me", I wasn't any different than anyone else in the world. However, it did seem quite cruel that the world just kept seeming to throw curve balls my way, while the "mean girls" that tortured me in high school seemed to doing a-ok. I know, childish way to look at things, but I couldn't help but wonder what I'd done in a former life to get dealt all this bs in life. LOL! I must have kicked someone's dog or something. I mean come on, someone who kicks a dog deserves to have hell in their next life, right? Dogs a freaking awesome! Cats too, but I digress, moving on. 🐶🐱

So dealing with the cancer was a whole new and scary situation. First time having cancer, I won't even pretend that there's no chance I won't get hit with the big C again in my life; because I very well could, and I was faced with the fact that I was about to have my very first surgery, which I worried could be my first and last one. No one ever talks about that on the internet. You look for people's experiences with surgery and they cut out the worry or the scary parts and just jump from "I fell asleep" to "I'm all better now", what about the "I was scared out of my mind part"? Maybe it wouldn't be encouraging to others, but for me, it would have been comforting to know that my thoughts are perfectly normal. Being afraid of being put to sleep and wondering if you will wake up again is normal. Wondering if you can continue to live without a very vital organ is normal as well. I wasn't some childish wimp of an adult, I had perfectly understandable fears and worries, and if you are finding yourself in the same position I found myself in 2015, please know that your thoughts are perfectly normal, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You aren't childish to be afraid, you're human. My boyfriend kept reminding me that bravery wasn't the lack of fear, but continuing on in spite of it.  So yes, it's ok to be afraid, but it's what you do after the fear sets in that matters.

One thing I did read, while trying to learn from others, is the story of a woman who found out she had thyroid cancer. She was too scared to have the surgery, so she decided against it. She had several kids and family, but her fear was so strong that she couldn't follow through with the surgery. Now my doctor told me once that thyroid cancer tends to be a cancer you tend to just grow old with, I guess that it tends not to move out of the area, not really sure on that, but I wouldn't want to take the risk. And she wanted me to have the surgery so I could be disease free, so perhaps it's more of a "growing old with disease" in your older years rather than your below 60 years. So I felt bad for this woman. I fully understood where she was coming from in her thoughts, but she had family. She had kids. She should have had the surgery for them. I hope someone convinced her to go through with it. I hope she is disease free and proud of herself for going through with the surgery. I didn't want the surgery either, and sure, I always had the "choice" not to have it, but I knew I truly didn't have a choice. I didn't want to die young, and I had so much more living I needed to do especially after being sick for most of my young adult life. I also have a sister and when our parents are gone, I am her only family. I can't leave her in this world alone. Sure she's an adult and fully capable of living life on her own, but I didn't want to leave her without family. So, numb and afraid, I went through the motions and had the surgery. Fast forward to today, the surgery was a huge success and I've been considered disease free by my doctor. Yay! Except one problem, I still felt ill. Still do actually.

I've read about people who had the surgery and how their lives just took this HUGE turn and they were able to get back to living. They were so happy the thyroid was gone and life couldn't be better. After reading that, I was so hopeful. But almost 2 years out, I'm still waiting for that miracle moment. Instead of happy times I felt worse, tired all the time, hugely depressed, stomach issue still hanging around that keeps me from being active, and my weight is just...bad. Among other things going on, I found myself in a very bad place again and I couldn't understand why I wasn't better. It wasn't until actions that happened last week, that I will talk about at a later time when I am more confident about it, that I realized that I could still have that happy life I want. It's all still within my grasp. It's just going to take some work from me.

When I tell you that I feel horrible, I mean horrible. Sometimes it causes so much anxiety all I want to do is stay in bed all day to try to calm myself, but this is not getting me anywhere. So last week made me realize, I need to deal with this. I need to push through the depression and anxiety. I need to push through feeling ill and try to get back on the other side of all this so I can try to get my life back. I'm still young, and I can still have the life and family I've always wanted, but time is not standing still, so I need to do something now. In a few short months I will be turning 39 years old. Ahhh! That number! It's like, I don't turn 39, my mom turns 39, not me. I still feel like I'm freaking 18 years old, but here I am pushing 40. LOL! And I have a love-hate relationship with this reality. It's like, I wouldn't want to be in my teens and 20s any more really. It was a depressing time of life. I feel slightly more confident in myself now, though I still need to work on that a lot. I like where I am in life, but I still would like to have a family before, as I affectionately call it, the baby-making factory closes it's doors for good...oh...should I have put a TMI before that? Sorry. 😊 I also would like to get married before that, but we know life has a way of throwing curve balls, and it seems life likes to do that too me. So DO NOT be surprised if I announce one day that I am pregnant, but I'd yet to announce that I was married. Life happens people, either grip on tight and go with the flow, or let it consume you. I did to much of that and truly wanted to give up, I refuse to do that any more.

Today is the first day in a long time that I've had real clarity of what I want in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm still sad and depressed and sick, but I now know that I don't want to stay here in that reality. I want to push through the darkness and get to the other side. I want more windows to be opened in my little shed of a room. I want to see the sunlight shine into my life again. Sure I know the darkness will return again from time to time, or as my dad likes to say (I've had to clean up a word here though.), the sun doesn't shine on the same dog's butt all the time, and he's right. It might seem like others have got nothing but the good life going on and you just can't get a break, but remember that the sun will move and shine on you again soon. Until then, just keep your head held high and going through the motions. Even if you have to do it while numb and afraid, keep going, because the sun will come back, it always does and it always will. It will find a way to get back to you. Just hang in there.

So I had to get this all down and out in the universe because I know the darkness will be back, remember I said I'm still sad and depressed. So I'm not going to fake it and act like I am suddenly healed, I'm just going to say that the sun found me today and reminded me that life is good and even though I am going through a rough patch right now, life will be good again for me, and for you too. I've got so many plans in my head right now that I want to do, none of which I will mention here (or anywhere) right now. One of the rules of successful people is not to tell what you are going to do, because then your brain acts like you've already done it and then you don't work hard towards your goal. Keep it to yourself until you've done it, then tell people about it. So that is what I am going to do from here on out, but I will update as things progress, I promise. 😊 For now, just know that I am in a happy place, and I feel like I'm finally able to work towards becoming a better me. I won't be cheesy and say "this is my year", I'd rather just say this is my life, and I'm going to try my hardest to make it a good one. No matter what has happened in the past, leave it there, and just focus on today and the future. I like to think of the saying that goes along the lines of "Don't look back, you're not going that way," and it's so true. So keep looking forward, that's what I plan to do today and every day after that I'm alive. No matter how many bad days you have in life, the good ones will more than make up for them. Cherish the good ones and try to make more of them happen. I've lost a lot of time in life being sick, but I cherish the good days and stay hopeful for more of them to head my way.

Wow this got all motivational, and initially it didn't start out that way. I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and talk about what had been running around in the brain today, but then I realized, someone could come across this post, and I just wanted to let you all know that you aren't alone. No one has a manual to life, we are all just doing the "fake it until you make it" move, some of us make it quicker than others, but that doesn't mean you'll never make it. Also know it's never too late to do what you want in life. I will say that you may have to alter your way of doing it due to things like health, age, financial situations, etc., but you can still achieve your dreams, so keep working towards them no matter if you are 16 or 60. And I guess this is where I am going to leave this post lovelies. Like I said, I just wanted to talk and just think out loud. Maybe some of you can relate to this post, maybe some of you rolled you eyes several paragraphs back and hit that pretty little "X" button, and maybe some of you got a renewed faith in yourself and in your life. Either way, I truly hope this week will be an awesome one for all of you, and if it's not, remember that this week will end and we can start anew next week, so just keep going. I will talk to you all again in my next post, which will hopefully be a little more fun. 😏 Until then, I hope you all have magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys! ❤🐭

I Hate My Layout!!!

I hate my blog layout, plain and simple. I don't know what I want for it. I've tinkered with it over the years, but I would like to find or create a layout that I could stick with for years or forever even. Something fun yet simple. I'm tinkering with Blogger's blog templates, but I just don't like them. *sigh* I'll keep at it until I find one. However, this "drama" has caused me to look back on some previous posts, and I found myself remembering things I wanted to try or do or see, and realized I hadn't done any of that. It was nice to be reminded of the person I was and goals I had for myself. I think I just got so sidetracked with my health and life in general that I forgot where I was headed. It's nice to be put back on track. So here's to more interesting posts, returning to previous goals, and moving forward. But first, I've just gotta find a new layout. Ugh! LOL! I'll talk to you guys later. Until then, I hope you all have a magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys! 😁😁

I Think I'm Ready To Forgive Toys R Us

So I don't think I posted about here, or maybe I did, but either early last year or the year before, I made several orders to Toys R Us. I ordered some LittleMissMatched dolls and clothes from the site. The toy line had been discontinued, and I'd learned the clothing would fit a ball-joint doll I'd just purchased, so I needed to hunt around the buy the clothing. Toys R Us had a large amount of the clothing packs that other sites didn't, and I decided to splurge to get them all. When my order came I saw that I got two of one item. Thinking I'd just simply ordered 2 of one item by mistake, I ordered the item again. I got my package and it was again the outfit I'd already had 2 of. So, fed up, I went to Ebay, I felt the price of the outfit was to small to contact Toys R Us and try to get it exchanged. I found the right outfit on Ebay for cheaper than it was on Toys R Us, so I ordered it. When I did some research into the seller, however, I learned it was the Ebay account or Toys R Us. So I nervously waited to get my package, and when I got it, I wasn't surprised what I found inside. I now had 4 of the same outfit. Well I was irritated by then, and called up the customer service department of Toys R Us, and let's just say I hope the woman, who helped me that day, got to go home and sit down to her favorite dinner and have it taste bland and salty and not how she remembered it at all.

She was so utterly rude to me and on the sly tried to call me stupid. I hung up on her when I learned we weren't getting anywhere when I tried to explain to her that the picture for the item was right but the text and item number were wrong. She kept cutting me off and trying to read the description to me like I was a child. I was polite and waited for her to finish, and when I tried to explain myself to her again she again tried to, on the sly, call me stupid. I got tired of being explained to how I was stupid, so I hung up on her. I usually don't hang up on people, because I don't like people hanging up on me, but she so deserved it. So there I was, left with 4 of the same outfit, and still missing the one I needed. I think I finally got the right outfit from Ebay and I made sure to ask the seller what it looked like before I purchased. I also gave two of the outfits to my mom and sister, and the extra one I kept was used as separates for dolls. So it all turned out in the end, but you can imagine the experience left me with a nasty taste in my mouth when it came to Toys R Us.

So the following year when they had an exclusive 17 Monster High doll, I was not happy. Why? Because I wanted her so badly. I had all the other 17 inch girls, so I had to have this one. So I sucked it up and ordered her. The order turned out fine. I was relieved and decided that was the only time I would order from them, but then...Christmas came...they had good sales on things I wanted...I made several orders within one month to them. Each order came to me perfectly, but I'll be honest, when the box came to my door I was always nervous to open it. I always expected it to be wrong, but thankfully they were fine. I was shocked by that, especially during the chaos of Christmas shopping time. Well after that I decided, no more. I got lucky, but let me not push my luck. I was fine with that choice, until I was told about another good sale on some items I wanted this past month. Ughhhh!!! I had to order them.

I was fine when I ordered, because of the recent success I'd had with them. I didn't feel nervous ordering at all. I waited for the box to get here, and when it did, that old forgotten fear came back. What if they had messed up my order again. Slowly I opened the package and was happy to see it was all perfect. Then this past week, another good freaking sale caused me to order again. I got the package today, and the nervous feeling was back, but it wasn't as strong as it was the previous times. I think I had more belief in Toys R Us now. Still, I slowly opened the package preparing myself, but in the end I had nothing to fear. The items were all there and I was a happy camper. The boxes were even in good condition, if I wanted to keep them in their boxes I'd be happy about that.

The only complaint I've had recently about them is one of my earlier orders this month had a bad box that was scratch up, a huge sticker residue that I could get off with peanut butter, and black mushy stuff on the box and inside that box that I worry was rodent droppings. I cleaned the box up as best I could, it's not perfect, but I plan to remove the item, so I am ok with a less than perfect box, but I feel more care should have been taken with the box and what the hell was that black mushy stuff? Ugh. But I got my stuff, and that's the important thing. So I think it's time to forgive and move on.

Everyone has a one off, and it was honestly the webmaster's fault, and not Toys R Us, for my order being wrong the first time I ordered. I guess they "technically" got the order right because they sent me the item that the sku number was listed as, but human error caused me to get the wrong package. I'm sure there are more items like that on their website, but their website is huge, so that's also to be expected. So I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the butt later on, but I will no longer say I won't order from the site. My trust has been rebuilt, and I feel I can shop with confidence from them. I hope that since my last customer service experience that they've worked on that some, because that lady was a royal pain in the ass. But who knows, maybe she had a bad day that day, it was near the end of the day too when I called, and she might have just been exhausted. I hope she's being nicer to stressed out customers and has stopped trying to hint that they may just be stupid. That part is what shocked and insulted me the most, especially when I knew what I was talking about and she couldn't catch on to what I was saying because she was so focused on proving me wrong. But, meh, live and let live.

And that's about all I wanted to post about today guys and gals. I guess when I realized I still had that fear of opening a package from this company, I had a mental talk to myself and realized I needed to let it go and move on. I kept saying I wouldn't buy from them any more and yet I did, so I guess I needed to talk it out and put it out into the universe that I forgive and I ready and willing to shop with them. Especially if they have more awesome sales like they have been having. 😀 And on that note, I hope all of you are having a wonderful day, afternoon, or evening. I am hoping to start popping back in here more often soon, but I am still working out what I want to do with this blog and how I want to incorporate it into other stuff I am trying to do. Stay tuned to see how that goes. Until next time guys, I hope you all have a magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys! 😁

*Walks In And Dusts Off The Furniture*

Hey all. Wow, it's been a long time since I've been here. I've been going through a process of trying to figure out what I want to do with my online presence as well as where I want to be. I've kept this blog alive because it's my baby and I've always planned on coming back. It never really took off the way I wanted it too, but as I start to get more settled in where I am going in my hobbies and what I want to do in life, I felt I could finally return to the blog and try again to make something of it.

So for those of you who didn't know, I was hanging out over at Tumblr for the longest time, but no matter how much I liked it, it just never sat well with me. It just wasn't what I was accustomed to, which is this kind of blog layout. So, I've decided to use Tumblr as more of a social media and less of an actual blog. I'll x-post over there, have it post to Twitter, and keep the bulk of my stuff here...until I get a website with it's own blog, then I will just have this direct you guys to the new blog, but that won't happen for a while so don't worry.😃

I'm also getting into making Youtube videos. I want my channel to be a hobby and lifestyle channel, so it has a bit of everything there. It's early days, so don't expect much there. I want to do gaming, toys, dolls, arts and crafts, vlogs, etc. there. I am working on a schedule for that. So since my channel is more of a collection of all my hobbies, I kind of want to change the blog into that too. Not just dolls but all about me. I think that's why I kind of pulled away from the blog. I didn't really know how to work more hobbies into the blog without boring readers. Finally I just decided to blog for myself and let others decide what they do and do not want to look at. So yes, there will still be dolls, but you can expect a lot more from me here. :-)

And that's about it guys and gals. I'm going to work on getting organized in the next month so I can really start bringing you interesting stuff here. I've missed blogging here. I hope you are all well and I hope you will come back and visit again real soon. *hugs*🐭

That Beautiful Time In The Morning

Image From Free Digital Photos

Hi all, long time no see. I'm not even sure if anyone still reads my poor blog, and if you do, thank you so much, that truly means a lot to me. I figured it was about time I popped back in here, dusted things off, and took inventory.

So I am sitting here during that beautiful time in the morning. You know the time. Around 5 A.M. when the birds are all chirping and the bugs are loud, and there aren't many other sounds but that. Everyone in your neighborhood is still asleep, and it's just you and nature. I love this time of the morning. I'd usually be seeing it after staying up all night and I'd be just about ready to crawl into bed. However, yesterday and today I am seeing it after waking up from a full night's rest. Completely weird and backwards for me, but I kind of enjoy it more. It gives me a moment of silence in the morning before everyone wakes up. I can truly focus on a few things before all the distractions start. So I thought I'd focus my attention here for a bit.

So, when I started blogging wayyyy back in the day, I did it mostly to talk about dolls and what I was currently doing with them and what I'd recently bought and what I had dreams of buying. While I still plan to do that here, I felt it left me limited as years went by. I'm not just focusing on dolls any more. I've always been a sort of Jill-of-All-Trades, so I like to tinker in a lot of things. I've never really shown that here because I felt I needed to keep this blog about dolls. I tried blogging over at Tumblr to kind of have more freedom to post what I wanted, but that blog quickly turned into a sort of weird Pinterest for me, and I already have a Pinterest account, so it started losing it's excitement for me. Now I mostly use it for when I have anxiety. I tend to reblog things of interest until I feel calmer. It usually takes 30 minutes to a hour and then I may not touch the blog again for several days to a week or more. I'm thinking of restarting the blog under a new email address so I can kind of make it a side blog to this one to inform more people of when I post here. I'd like this blog to return to being my main blog, but in order to do that, I have to change how I post here.

I want to change this blog into a hobby and lifestyle blog. I want to post about dolls, crafts, music, life, whatever is really going on with me. While I did work some of that in before, I never really got fully into that because this is suppose to be a doll blog. However, I think I this blog can work well being kind of a central point of all things me. So I will keep my Tumblr blogs as a side gig, and come back and give this place some love. I honestly have so much to share with you all. I've been on a sort of buying spree, also something I sometimes do when anxiety is high, and it's all been waiting to be shared. So I look forward to sharing all of that with you soon.

The birds are getting louder, the bugs are dying down some, and now there is a rooster crowing somewhere in the distance. Yes, a rooster. There has always been a rooster somewhere close by in all the years I have lived in my neighborhood. And on top of all this lovely nature, I hear a siren off in the distance as well. I have another 30 minutes of awesome bird time before it's all over. I'm not really sure how to spend it. I'm still trying to wake up, so maybe I'll just sit here and listen and try to pick out the different birds I hear. So, have any of you experienced this beautiful time in the morning? If there weren't so many huge black spiders outside during this time, I would so want to go out and sit on the porch and enjoy it. Well...and if it wasn't already 80 degrees at 5 something in the morning. A humid 80 degrees. You know what? I think I'll just sit here at my desk with the window open and just enjoy the birds this way. :-)

So I think I will close this post off here my lovely lads and lassies. I'm still groggy from sleep, my internal clock is trying to tell me it's time for sleep and I am trying to tell it that it's wrong. So I will let you all go for now. I'll probably be tinkering with the layout here some to make it look more interesting. I still can't decide what I want for it. I have someone helping me think through it and hopefully we will come up with something soon. But I will still post while I am trying to decide all that. I hope all of you are having an awesome weekend, and that you have a lovely Sunday. I will be spending my Sunday playing some Guild Wars 2, some Sims 4, watching David in The Kitchen (don't judge), writing, and planning some blog posts. I'd say that's a pretty decent Sunday. :-) Talk to you all soon. Take care until then. Bye for now.

Love always,
Michelle

Changing, Growing, Moving On, I Don't Know

Image From Free Digital Photos

Hey all, how have you been? I know I've promised a couple posts to you, and they are still coming, just I've been doing a lot of thinking, organizing, and changing and I just didn't want to post anything until I really knew what I wanted to do. I am still sorting it all out in my head, but I do have some ideas in mind, and I want to get them down so I don't forget a potentially good idea.

So ever since "the breakup", I have been realizing that my life was so hitched up on one person and I totally forgot who I was and wanted to be. I don't feel ashamed of that, especially since I see a lot of people do that in life, but I am frustrated by it because it took me off my own path in life and now I am suffering to find my way back. I keep "walking" by other people's paths, and I tend to pause and wonder if that's a path I should go down or if that is my actual path in life, but then I see that's not my path and keep pushing forward.

In going forward, I realize that the doll hobby is where I want to stay, at least for now, and I want to expand on it by becoming a toy creator at some point. Actually I have a small list of things I want to do in life. I want to become a writer, but since most writers can't live off their writing income, I want to also continue with my interest in dolls and toys. So a writing toy creator? LOL! At some point in life I'd also like to create some apps, but that would be more of a hobby that I'll see if I can make money off of. I would like to look more into creating toys, perhaps focusing on making 3D print out patterns for toys that owners of 3D printers can buy and printout. However, much like all new technology, it'll be awhile before 3D printers become a common household item, so I will also focus on getting dolls and toys made the conventional, or old-fashioned, way.

I'm sure I will have to go back to school to make some of this happen, and I am trying to decide what school, when I should go, what curriculum I will need to take, and really what direction I want to go in. I would prefer learning on my own and not having to go back to school honestly, and I am sure that is possible, so I will look into that as well. I just would rather learn things in my own time frame rather than spread across four years, taking a lot of classes I won't really need.

However, as I return to the hobby and try to learn the wants of hobbyists, I sadly see a lot of the older hobbyists leaving the hobby for new hobbies, preferring to enjoy the hobby in private, or putting their hobby away because of life changes. It's super sad to see so many blogs, Youtube channels, and forums become ghost towns because people have changed, grown into a new direction, and moved on to something new. Granted that's also a good thing, we should always continue to grow and change in life so I wish good luck to those people, but it makes a long-time hobbyist, like myself, feel a little lonely. Don't get me wrong, I know this encourages me to make new hobby friends while trying to reconnect with those older hobbyists still hanging around, but it still is sad to see some of the greats say their farewells, or worse yet, just fade off into the distance without so much as a wave good-bye.

So in figuring this out, it makes me wonder, how do I keep up with the constantly changing "target market" I'd like to eventually sell and talk too? I know, everyone trying to sell items have to deal with this, along with other issues in their industry, like the bullying in the doll hobby scaring off people from the hobby, so I guess I will just have to think of how to stay current.

In the past year alone I've already found my interests in the hobby changing yet again. *sigh* So I was all into 1/6th when I got into the hobby, then I got interested in bjds while still greatly loving 1/6th. Then I found myself switching over to 1/6th completely for some reason. I liked the dolls, but I think I also saw them as more acceptable of a hobby to "the ex" because they weren't "toys", they were collector's items, and he could accept that more. However I still had all my 1/6th stuff collecting dust, getting old and brittle, turning yellow with age. Now I am finding that while I do like bjds, I prefer them tiny. The tallest I would probably really like is an MSD and even they are a bit big for me. I like the fashion doll size bjds, and if I ever follow through on my plans to make my own bjds one day, they will be fashion doll size. I just like their size, I like how clothing for them tends to be super easy to find as well as shoes sometimes, and I just love things in mini form. So it finally hit me, I just love 1/6th and smaller scale items. So I finally decided to return to my roots and enjoy 1/6th again. Yay!!!

But in returning to 1/6th and starting to organize my life online and off, I realize that a lot of people I follow no longer are of my interest. So I am sadly unfollowing a lot of people so I can actually interact with people with the same smaller scale mindset. It sucks so much to change what you find interesting, because you have to let go of certain things in order to enjoy it, at least that is what I am finding. But I am glad to finally have some direction in life now. It's one step on the long way back. I think I finally found my path, and though I've only gone a little ways up it, I think it's going to lead me where I need to be headed. I'll never let anyone or anything stray me from it again. I don't mind if someone's path goes parallel to mine, just a long as they don't ask me to ditch mine and jump onto their path, because their is no fun in that, trust me. Always be true to yourself my lovelies, and always be the captain of your own ship, your life will turn out so much better that way. I look at it this way, you and someone else can be going on your individual paths and you can still hold hands, talk, bond etc., without giving up yours. Yes, it took me a long time to learn this, and no, I will never forget it.

So, what's next? Well I still have those posts to share with you about my mom's dolls, a doll I am trying to customize, and some 1/6th projects I have been working on for years and never finished. I have a Youtube channel in the works for doll related stuff, and of course I need to update this blog, my Tumblr, just a lot of updating. Oh...and there is still the issue of the Christmas presents I am suppose to be working on. I am going to try to do that while doing Nanowrimo next month. :-D What? I work better under pressure anyway. *insert uneasy laugh here*

And can I take a moment to tell you all a boneheaded thing about myself. So I am on a laptop, and I accidentally made my screen zoom out. When that happened before, I would freak out not knowing how to fix it until I learned about "ctrl+ or ctrl-" will adjust the screen, then I came across the instructions for a previous old laptop that explained that if you take your fingers and push them away or towards each other on the touchpad it will adjust the screen again. You have no idea how shocked, excited, and dumb I felt when I tried this for the first time. *sigh + eye roll* Well hey, we need to keep on learning, and I accept that as lesson learned. I no longer freak out when it happens, and it makes me feel super techy when I do it. So there's that. LOL! Just had to share that with you all.

And on that note I will let you all go for now. I must return to organizing and sorting. I want to have it done by November 1st. I still have a lot to do. My Tumblr alone is going to kill me. thousands of posts that need to be tagged, sorted, some deleted, and so much more. I almost want to kill it and start over, but I don't want to lose my followers there, much like the reason I won't delete this blog because it's got posts of "the ex" in it, I don't want to lose you guys. So I shall push forward, clean it up as best I can, and keep on keeping on. Things will get better, and I'll feel like myself once I am organized and ready to jump back into the hobby. Just wish I hadn't let it go in the first place. Oh well, could've, should've, would've, but didn't. Suck it up and move on. ;-) I'll be back with another post soon lovelies. Until then, take care, bye for now. :-)

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

I’ve done it! I’ve made it around the sun again!!! On to another year!!! I always see my birthday as my real “new year” instead of January 1st. I see it as a chance to make myself a better person so when my birthday springs up on me in the next 365 days, 366 in a leap year, I’ll have something to show for. In the past couple of years I haven’t changed much due to feeling like crap all the time, but I have decided to  change myself and my life this year. When I turn 37 I want to celebrate the year I’ve had and look forward to 38. This year is going to be a crazy year, I can tell. I have plans on how I want to change myself and I have plans on meeting new people and making new friends. So I’m looking forward to being 36 for the next 365 days and seeing what I can truly become. So again, Happy Birthday to me, and may the next year introduce me to a women I never knew I could I be.
And on that note, I am off to have a slice of this lemon cake with lemon frosting, my mom made me. I think it’s adorable and I laughed when I came into the kitchen and saw it. She’d been planning it for a while. She’s planning my sister’s, which she has told me about in the strictest of confidence, and I can’t wait to show you it…in April. Well hey, maybe we’ll make one for Christmas, you never know. I mean I do have to make up for last Christmas, which was truly one of the saddest Christmases I have ever had, next to the first one without my brother. So this year has to be different, and very happy. I’ll talk to you lovelies tomorrow. Until then, take care. Bye for now.

Skin Biopsy, No Bueno

Ok, so let me just tell you, for you sun bunnies out there, STOP! Just STOP! If you get a spot on you that needs to be check, you are so going to regret it. I’m not even a sun bunny and I regret…well…having skin on my feet. Ugh! OK, so when someone is coming at your foot with a needle and says, “You’re going to feel a prick and a sting.”, do not, I repeat, DO NOT assume that it will be like getting a flu shot, because it won’t. Omgggggg that was the most painful shot I have gotten to date, and I’ve had several painful shots. It was like you wanted to pull your foot away but you knew you couldn’t so you closed your eyes, bit down on your lips, make a little noise, and be slightly amused at how you can’t control your leg and foot from shaking. The P.A. told me it would hurt for 10 seconds then go numb. Longest 10 seconds of my life, I swear it! But once it was over, I was numb, even though it didn’t feel that way. I could still feel them touching my toe and moving it, but when he did the procedure, I didn’t even know he’d done it. It was over before I knew it, and she was putting on a Band-Aid and he was telling me how to take care of the hole until it heals. So while I wouldn’t want to do it again, it wasn’t that bad…after the longest 10 seconds of my life that is. Oh needles, why must you be so pointy?
And on that last painful not, I am off lovelies. My foot is starting to feel less numb, and well, I’m so not enjoying the feeling. Also, the cat, who has a foot fetish, especially with my foot, especially with the foot that got the biopsy, is on the hunt for foot, and I want to crawl under my covers and hide from her. I will talk to you all tomorrow. Until then. Take care. Bye for now.
ETA: Guess who just got a call from her doctor letting her know her thyroid is just fine? This girl!!! Woot!!! It’s going to be a very happy birthday for me!

This Is What A Thyroid Biopsy Is Like

So, I lived through my first biopsy. Let me tell you, while it wasn’t that bad, it is definitely something I am not rushing out to have done again any time soon. So, what happened? Ok, so when I showed up for my appointment, I got my vitals read and then placed in this room I had been in before when I got an ultrasound of my throat done about a week before. The table starts off like a chair with a high back, so I sat there waiting. Once the doctor and her assistants came in, she sat down with me and explained everything that would be happening and asked me if I had any questions. With no questions to be had, they laid the chair back into a table and the table tilts you a little so you are slightly upside down so they can get access to your throat. From there they proceeded to set things up, the set-up honestly took longer than the procedure. Once they were all set up, they opened a package and took out a large cotton swab looking thing that had soap on it and they wiped it across my neck. Then they opened another package with another cotton swab looking thing that had a chemical on it that made the skin on my throat sting some. After that, they turned out the lights and used the ultra sound to find the nodule. Once they found it they used a cold spray to numb the area, then using the ultra sound she asked me to swallow and then had me hold still. She poked a needle, that is smaller than a needle used to take blood, into my throat into the nodule and poked it in and out of my throat 4-5 times to get a sample. She had to do that 4 times. On the 3 go the needle bent some due to the calcium in my nodule, I didn’t feel anything when the needle bent, and only knew about it from her telling me afterwards. Also, there is a lot of pressure during the poking. I’m not sure if it was from the needed or the ultra sound wand, but it can feel like someone pressing hard on your throat. As with the needle, the pressure is tolerable too. After everything was done, they wiped my throat, gave me a regular bandage, and an ice pack to hold on my neck for 20 minutes to help me from getting a hiccie bruise. I thankfully didn’t get one. After that I went home.

She said if I experienced pain to just take a Tylenol because other medicines may cause me to bleed, she told me I didn’t really bleed during the procedure. Now speaking of bleeding, to prepare the night before you need to make sure if you take pain killers that aren’t Tylenol that you don’t take them the day before so you don’t have issues with bleeding. Also if you have blood thinners make sure your doctor knows because that could cause bleeding also. So it’s been a few hours and it just looks like I got stung by a few tiny bees. It itches a bit and has a dull pain when I touch it, so I will skip the pain meds and just deal with the itching. It wasn’t that bad, but she told me that sometimes not enough sample is pulled out, and in that case I’d have to do it again when I see her again in 3 months. *sigh* Oh well, at least it’s over with for now. For now I will relax before I have to start stressing out tomorrow over what I am sure is to be my second biospy of the week. Yay me! LOL! Now, if you are brave, here is a video below of what a biospy basically is. It seems that this patient got a numbing shot instead of the numbing spray I got. Either way, you will be numb for the most part. You will feel the initial needle prick, but it’s tolerable, and this is coming from someone who hates needles and has a low tolerance for pain.

So yeah, that’s how a thyroid nodule biospy was for me. Not as bad as I pictured, not completely pain free, but it was tolerable. The only thing I felt was when she would stick the needle in for the initial stick and the pressure. I didn’t feel the in and out poking. So I basically felt about 4-5 needle pricks. Not fun, but you can deal with it, and before you know it, the lights are on, the table is back in the sitting position, and you are on your way out the door with a bandage and an ice pack, ice up at home if they don’t give you an ice pack so you can avoid bruising. So if you have to get one done anytime soon, you will be just fine and you’ll be so glad when you get the negative results. 95% of those tested come out negative, so try not to stress too much over it. And on that note, I will talk to you lovelies later. Until then. Take care. Bye for now.

This Song Is Suppose To Make Me Happy!!!

So I found this video a while back, but I've recently come across it again, and I swear this song kills me. It's a "happy" song, but the beat is so slow and sad. It makes me so sad, and I know I should listen to something else, but I love this remix. Have a listen.

*sigh* I wonder if I should stop blogging again. I'm just going through some stuff and I hate that I am not bringing something interesting to my blog. Oh, one update, the block was reenacted yesterday, so that's good. Other than that I've just mostly been marathoning "Orange Is The New Black" on Netflix. Omg, so freaking addictive! For mature audiences only, this show is crazy with a capital "C", but you just can't look away. I'm into the second season and should be done with it in the next day or so. I'll treat myself to some episodes after tomorrow's appointment. I'm so nervous and so angry I have to do this. I feel like I've done it to myself and must pay for it all now. Meh, I think I will go read a bit on clean eating and then get a few hours of sleep. Is it weird I don't know exactly how to eat clean? Or is that a thing most people have? Anyway, tomorrow is going to be interesting. Will report back with how it went. Until then, take care lovelies. Bye for now.

Damn It Girl Get It Together!

I'm accountable. Can this count for a post? No? What if I leave you with this?

 

 Counts as a post now? Yeah? Awesome. Catch you lovelies tomorrow. Until then, take care. Bye for now.

One Week, Bad Day?

Hey guys, so today is kind up and down for me. I am going through some hormonal stuff again, which I hate with a passion. I wish they would level out so I cold have more normal human days than not. It got so bad I foolishly unblocked someone to say hi out of emotion. Regretted it no sooner I sent the text. The convo was basic and nothing exciting. I was reminded of what an @$$ he is and I am back to having my fill of all that. Like I said, it was done in a hormonal moment and I am soooo not proud of it. I believe they will get the block again in a few. I feel stupid.

Found some more interesting fashions that I would love to not only draw but make for dolls of various sizes. I especially love the v-neck shirt. Now that is a lowwwww neckline, but it's so cool. As I look at all these fashions, I wonder how that would translate into 1/6th scale. I'm sure the v-neck and cowls could be worked out depending on the fabric they are made out of. Well when it comes to 1/6th it all really comes down to what the fabric is made out of really.

So next week I complete another run around the sun. Fun, right? Meh, guess so. Ok, I am glad I am having another birthday. I know of many who won't get this chance, and so I respect the fact that I do get that option. It's just with each birthday I get a little sad because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything due to getting sick and having anxiety, and also I reflect on the fact that I am way older than my older brother now. I was catching up on Eastenders and the brother of twins was saying good-bye to his twin sister at her funeral. He mentioned how she was almost 8 minutes older than him and she never let him forget it. However, he was now older than her for the first time ever and it didn't feel right. That's how I feel about my brother. It's not right that I am older. Just realized, even my younger sister is older than him now. It just feels wrong. I loved being the middle child, but that status was ripped from me and I would give anything to have it back. I miss my brother.

So maybe it's best not to blog when you are all weepy, but I worry if I don't do it then I will disappear

for months again and I am really trying to get back into the things I love. So fake it until you make it i guess. Next week is going to be a horror. I hope, at least,  I have a good birthday, even if it's just me laying in bed marathoning the last 2 seasons of Doctor Who, the new one starts soon. Yay!

And on that geeky note, I will talk to all you lovely people tomorrow. Until then, take care. Bye for now.

Tired. So freaking tired.

Image From Free Digital Photos

Quickkkkk update. I wanted to post about male fashions I found interesting and wanted to try making for our highly fashion-neglected 1/6 males, but the day got away from me and now I am just so exhausted, I am ready for sleepy time. But I wanted to make a quick update on me.

So I tried this sample of medicine my doctor gave me and it worked wonderfully, but it only had five pills and I quickly ran out. So I called last Friday for a prescription, but while they did record it, they never wrote it and sent it to the pharmacy. So they got me three more sample boxes that will cover me for 2 weeks and they are getting a prescription done for me. So hopefully tomorrow I will have a call telling me to pick it up. I plan to only be on these pills for 6 months because they can damage your body at a year of taking them. I need to really focus on weight loss, which I plan to do the bribing way again. I still have two vintage dolls waiting for me from the last time I tried to bribe myself. But that is for a massive weight loss, so I want little bribes along the way. I will put my bribe list up here on the blog so you can follow along.

What else? Oh, I learned in a very interesting way that a friend is Republican. Ok, so two things I tend not to talk about is religion and politics. We all have our own thoughts on both, I respect your right to believe what you want and just ask that you respect mine. I guess my friend didn't know where I stood on the political spectrum and she sent me a link to a video that is very insulting towards Democrats. She thought it was hilarious, and I just didn't see it as funny at all. It was creative, but not funny. I was shocked to find myself so insulted really since I try to take a far stance from politics, but I think today I found out a little bit about myself. It was an interesting and awkward moment that I quickly tried to change the mood of by asking what she'd been up to lately. Please, if you ever do talk to me, please let's keep politics and religion out of the convo. There are way to many things to talk about that won't step on toes that we can pick from as a topic. *sigh* I mean I won't be rude to someone if they do bring it up, but I will try to change the topic. It's just safer people, trust me.

On top of that I've learned a friend is having a hard time due to some things that weren't her fault.I feel really bad for her and I can't help her in any other way but be a listening ear. I was slightly shocked and touched that when I mentioned my health stuff coming up she was completely focused on me and trying to figure out how to get a ride to my appointments to be there as support. LOL! She's a sweetheart. I told her let's see how I feel on my birthday and she can come see me then and we can talk about the horrors of being stabbity-stabbed. Must call her back tomorrow to catch up more, had to say good-bye early...Project Runway was on. And omgggg the judges's decision got me really salty. Now I don't know who to root for to win, my choice was kicked. So sad. *sniffle*

And on weird last note I am off. I really want to lay down and maybe *gasp* go to sleep early tonight. Well early for me. We'll see. I'll let you know tomorrow. Until then, take care lovelies. Bye for now.