Happy Birthday To Me...kind of...

So today marks another year around the Sun for me. I'm a little bit older and hopefully wiser. This birthday, however, was a real hard one for me. My mom hasn't even been gone a month yet. In fact it hasn't even been a month yet since I got my last text message from her. So things are still so freaking fresh for me, and I spent a huge amount of the day crying. Sobbing sometimes. The person who gave me this day to celebrate is no longer here and it is so freaking hard on me.

I was up most of the night crying, unable to sleep. Thinking back on things about my mom's passing and what could have been done differently. What could I have done differently? Was this completely out of my control? I'd get distracted by a phone call or talking to my husband or watching a video, and then I'd have a moment of silence and I was right back there wondering, growing angry, missing my mom, and feeling so hurt and lost. Eventually my husband and I went to Walmart to pick up some meds, a few gifts for me, and a cake and some ice cream. We went to my parents house and I spent my birthday with the hubs, my sister, and my dad. My sister sang Happy Birthday to me while I cried. LOL! I tell you, I was a mess today. After a while my husband took me to two bookstores we love and I grabbed a few discounted crochet kits to try. I'm super excited about them. In fact I need to show you all the things I got for my birthday. I was spoiled, and I appreciate it so much. It helped distract me some from the pain of having my first birthday without my mom. After the bookstores we came home, I heated up dinner, and here I am typing away. It was a bittersweet day. I am glad to have this one of many 1sts over with. I think this one will be one of the harder ones to deal with, but the holidays are coming up, so stay tuned for that.

So, I don't know what I truly believe, as my spiritual journey is ongoing, but I truly feel my mom sent me some subtle messages that she was here and she missed me and loved me. It helped me deal with the day a little bit better because we've been doing so much "finalizing" lately that its been hitting me hard mentally. Canceling appointments for her, changing her from my emergency contact, taking her name off my parents bank account and putting my name on it instead. Just a bunch of stuff that doesn't feel right to me, but it has to be done. So that is what I've been dealing with lately. That and freaking trying to crochet that dang donut!!!

This sucker is still taunting me!!! I've got the two halves done, but sewing them together is tricky. If you follow the instructions it doesn't work out right. Also his safety eyes are anything but. They keep coming apart! I might have to try melting them but I am a bit afraid of doing that, but I want them to stay in his freaking head, so I may need to try that. I first need to get his center sewn together. It seems, after some research, that I picked a horrible kit to be my return to crochet. The Dollar Tree kits are notorious for being horrible for beginners. Since I am returning to crochet, I consider myself a beginner again and omg it so horrible!!! I'm going to keep at him though. In a bit I will crawl into bed and try to crochet the center again. If I get that done I will pause until tomorrow so I can melt the eyes in the kitchen over the sink. LOL! Then I will continue sewing him together. I hope to have something to show from this kit soon. I'm ready to move on to other kits dang it! So stay tuned for that also.

That's about all I have for you lovelies today. I'm exhausted, dehydrated from all the crying I've done today, and I am just ready to call it for the day. I have another early day tomorrow so, I need to hit the hay early. I hope you all had a great Saturday today. I hope it was fun, and if you too celebrated a birthday today, I wish you the Happiest of Birthdays!!! I will talk to you all in the next post. Until then, as always, I hope you all have a magical, wonderful, splendiferous day. Bye guys!!!