I'm taking off my big girl panties...at least long enough to get a nap.

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So I went to my appointment today. I went to bed super early because I was exhausted, and I woke up 2 and a half to 3 hours later and couldn't go back to sleep. So by the time it was time to go to my appointment I was a nervous wreck. Will that stupid box get stuck mid-floors? What would she do to me? Am I going to come home crying? So let me take you out of your torture. No, the extremely small box did not get stuck, but it stressed me out enough that my blood pressure went through the roof, and no amount of explaining to them that I was scared of the appointment, scared of the elevator, and sleep deprived would get them thinking that this was not me having high blood pressure. Oh well. Found the stairs at the end of the appointment. My dad went with me, and he swore there were no stairs even though there was a sign on the wall next to the elevator that said "In Case Of Emergency Use Stairs". And, well, the fact that buildings with multiple layers have stairs, but whatever. Oh well, found them for next time. Next time I say? Oh yes, there will be a next time, in less than two weeks actually. I get to go back and get a biopsy! If you couldn't guess, I went home a little weepy.

She found nodules on my thyroid. One is small that she thinks is fine, but the other had some white around it that she was worried about. She told me 95% of biopsies come back negative for cancer, and even if it was cancer, she says no one dies from thyroid cancer they die with it. Now all this I was trying to let soak in as I tried to settle my stomach, let my brain settle from being partly upside down for a thyroid ultrasound, and realizing she was going to stick a tiny needle into my throat several times in the next week or so. I honestly want to say some expletives right now, I'm so angry and upset, but I will keep this a family show.

So from what I understand from her, she says I don't just have hypothyroidism, I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis, and it's hereditary. And it will greatly affect my ability to have a child and if I don't get my levels right my child could end up with mental retardation. Add to that I am getting ready to turn 36 next month and well, I am angry. I blame myself for this. Yeah she said it's hereditary but what if I caused this to happen. My sister and I are the only ones who have it in the family. We don't know about my dad's side of the family much, so it could be from his side, but what if it was dormant and my weight or my yo-yo dieting caused it to happen? She told me if I lost weight my levels could go down, so that is all that is on my brain right now, losing the weight.

It's so silly, but it's at these moments I miss the old ex, as in the way he used to be in the very beginning. I would be able to confide in him and get his comfort. I foolishly let him back into my life back in April, but I have gone back to no contact because I need to close that chapter on my life. His part in my story is over, but I do wish I had someone like a boyfriend or husband I could talk to about this. It's moments like these that make me so mad at my ex. If he had told me sooner he didn't want to be with me, I could have found someone else and maybe had a family now before I got ill. But I don't want to be that girl, blaming the ex for how my life turned out. While he is far from innocent, I need to take some responsibility for how things turned out as well. I guess I am still in shock and in need of comfort. So I have decided to take my big girl panties off...figuratively of course, crawl into bed, and take a nap. Yeah, I should stay up so I can go to bed early tonight but I really want to rest and allow my brain and stomach to rest and settle. After a good nap I will put my big girl panties back on...still figuratively, and deal with this.

So two days after my throat biopsy I will be going to the dermatologist about a large brown spot on the bottom of my foot. People if you have a large brown spot on the bottom of you foot, no matter what complexion you are, get to a doctor to have it checked out. My doctor thinks it's just hyper-pigmentation but he saw a dot in the center of mine so he just wants to be sure. He doesn't think it's cancer, but just in case. I kind of feel that dermatologist will cut it off, just in case. So I get stabbed with needles on day, and I may be walking about with something that looks like a hickie for a few days, but so won't be healed by my appointment on the 7th to probably have skin punch-cut from the bottom of my foot and then removed. Then my birthday is two days after that, which will probably be around the time I get the results back from both tests. What a fun gift that will surely be. Well if it's all good then yes it will be. If it's bad, well...I don't want to think about that right now.

I need some sleep. Sleep is good. Just a few hours...or days would work too. Nah, I want to watch the new season of Project Runway tonight so I know I won't sleep past 8. Hopefully I'll just sleep until 3ish so I can exercise. This news may have been a sucker punch to the gut, but I refuse to let it take me down. Now that I am home in bed, cooling in front of a fan, I will take some deep breaths and just remain calm. I mean hey, the worst is over...I don't have to go back into that elevator any more. I'm thinking the odds are in my favor. Bye for now guys. Oh, and thanks for letting me vent. I really needed it.