I just need to blog.

So I know I haven’t posted here in a while, and that’s simply because I’m still trying to figure out where my blog is headed. When I started to seriously blog I decided to blog about dolls. That has been what I’ve done for a good long time now, and I’ve had tons of fun doing so and getting to know a lot of fun and interesting dolly peeps through my blogging. I still want to blog about dolls, but I have been thinking maybe my blog needs to turn into a lifestyle blog that incorporates all of me, along with my dolls. I still want the main focus to be dolls, but I also want to talk about crafts, writing, and me in general. I think I will go back to dedicated days for the “on the side” stuff, and then just blog about dolls any day I see fit. This way the blog won’t sit here dormant and I can blog.

So what brought me back today of all days?  My mom.  She’s been having some dizzy spells lately, but she put it off as just allergies. That is until the other day where she almost blacked out.  We thought it was the one off until last night. She’d come upstairs from her room and I was standing by the counter looking at two new hamsters she’d recently bought when I felt her grab on to me. It wasn’t anything odd to have her grab on to me, but then her grip got harder. I looked over my shoulder and saw that she was having trouble breathing again. I tried to get her to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, but all she could do was shake her head before she went down to the floor. She didn’t pass out, but it was pretty close. So I told her she had to stop playing around and go to the doctor tomorrow, which is now today. She went to the walk-in clinic and had accidentally pocket dialed me on her phone. I could hear her in the doctor’s office talking to the doctor. I hung up happy she was being seen. Then she called me later on. I picked up and it was my dad. I thought that was weird. Seems they were at the military hospital. I thought maybe the doctor gave her medicine and she was picking it up.  Wrong. She was having tests done. Why? Because they think my mom had a mini stroke.

I am beyond scared and freaked out right now. I know logically we will all sadly have to lose our parents at some point in our lives, but I am far from ready to have it be at this point in my life. I’m so close to my mom and to have her not be here would destroy me. If she did have a stroke, I know it was the diabetes and/or high blood pressure that did it. I have nagged her to get healthy and well I guess I didn’t have a foot to stand on with that because my health is still crap. But either way, it’s now to the point where getting healthy is not AN option, it’s the ONLY option. My mom is ready to give up and let death come get her. I refuse to let her give up without a fight. I am determined to get her healthy. I figure if death is coming he’s coming, but give him the fight of his life first. Now add on to this that my dad is on an inhaler because he smokes like a chimney and my sister is having mystery headaches all the time.

So yeah, that’s where I am at right now. Just waiting to hear from my mom and just trying to figure out what’s next. So much stress and pressure going on in my life right now. I barely sleep, and when I do I usually have nightmares. I’ve been focusing on Squidoo to try to get my mind off things and focused on one thing in general. It’s been helping, but I am ready to get back to my dolls and crafting.

ETA: So they are keeping her overnight. Seems they thing either mini stroke or heart attack. They don’t know what yet. I’m freaking out, but I will try to remain calm. I have to. I have no choice. Thanks for letting me vent. Bye for now.

Michelle